Anyone of any gender, race, or sexual preference can be kinky, and anyone can identify as a submissive. The hard part is finding a partner who accepts this side of you and wants to explore it with you. What stops many people from admitting their kink – submissive, dominant, or switch – is the fear of how their partner will react when they tell them.
Plenty of people wonder if they can tell their partner at all, and if they do, how to do it without “ruining” their relationship. There’s no way to know how your partner will react, and to be honest, some people won’t embrace this part of you. But if you don’t speak up, you’ll never know.
Here are a few methods to consider when you’re ready to tell your partner you’re a kinky submissive.
Drop Not-So-Subtle Hints
This method only works if your partner pays attention to the small details and isn’t shocked at porn, erotica, or sex toys. Take a few seconds too long to hide the porn on your phone. Show your partner the title of the book you’re reading or read a passage that turns you on out loud to them. Leave up the webpage of the kinky sex toy you’d really like to own on your browser for them to see.
It’s not the most direct manner, and it leaves itself open to misinterpretation and uncomfortable questions, but subtle hints can start a conversation. Assuming your partner indicates an interest or is willing to be the first one to be open about their desires, these “hints” can be the opener you need. Maybe you’re not ready to say, “I’m submissive.” Instead you might start with, “I’d really like you do to this to/with me” or “I really want to try this.”
Mention It During Sex
Should you have a serious, focused conversation about being sexually submissive while naked and sweaty with your partner? Maybe not. But you can incorporate some dirty talk that makes it clear what you want in the moment. “Spank me!” or “I love it when you take control” or “Use me!” Whatever fits in the moment will work.
During sex, your partner will likely think it’s just some kinky thing you’re doing. Later, when you’re catching your breath, waking up from your post-sex nap, or enjoying a snack (whatever you do after you fuck), bring it up again. Tell your partner what you really enjoyed and whether you’d like more of it. Again, as long as your partner is open and receptive, this can be the start of a bigger, more important conversation.
Shop for Sex Toys Together
Declaring your submissive side or desire for a kinky life may not be right for your first sex toy shopping experience, whether in a store or online. You can try, but it’s a good idea to know how your partner feels about sex toys first. If shopping together is something you usually do or you know they’re open to whatever you suggest, it’s time to check out a different corner of the store.
Yes, vibrators and dildos can be very kinky, but this is about that “other” section – the fetish and BDSM section of the store. It’s the area with a lot of black leather and references to 50 Shades of Grey. Click on something that interests you if you’re online. Pick it up in the store. Show your interest in it and let that be the conversation starter you need.
Use the Direct Approach
Regardless of whether you’re a submissive, kinky, or just want better sex with your partner, the direct approach is always the best method. You can avoid misunderstanding or confusion when you say what you think and mean. But the reality is that for many people, admitting to your kinks is scary, especially if you’re not sure how your partner will react.
If you’re fortunate enough to have a partner who’s open and willing to listen, talk to them. Sit down with them during a quiet moment without distractions and say, “I think I’m submissive.” Then explain what you mean. Let them know if you mean during sex or outside of the bedroom. Share with them what you already know or your fantasies. Once you’ve done that, your job is to listen and be patient.
No matter how you let your partner know you’re a kinky submissive person or that you want to explore it with them, the next step once it’s out there in the open is to listen and give them time. You may be pleasantly surprised with an immediate positive reaction. Your partner may want time to think and learn more. Don’t be surprised if it takes more than one conversation. But if you don’t tell your partner who you are and what you want, you’ll never find out if it’s something you can explore with them.