What Experts Say We Can Do to Close the Orgasm Gap

What Experts Say We Can Do to Close the Orgasm Gap

The orgasm gap appears most often in heterosexual relationships. It’s the reality that many cisgender men orgasm more often than their cisgender women partners. That’s the orgasm gap.

What can be done to close that gap so everyone gets off? Jack and Jill Adult spoke to two experts to learn more. Here’s what they had to say.

Women, Masturbate More Often

Women, Masturbate More Often“It is important that women self-pleasure so that they can really know their bodies and how they like to experience touch,” says sex coach Tiffany Yelverton. “Most women self-pleasure only with clitoral stimulation and then wonder why they don’t orgasm during penetration. It is vital to self-pleasure with internal stimulation as well as clitoral so that the body is able to react to penetrative sex. This creates muscle memory.”

Focus on Foreplay

“A woman needs to be aroused before sex,” states Chris Pleines, a dating expert with DatingScout.com, “and you get this done through kissing, caressing, oral sex — foreplay. Sometimes, men forget about this or rush it so their partner does not get enough of what they need.”

Yelverton agrees about the need for foreplay. “Most women can orgasm in about four minutes during self-pleasure but need 20-40 minutes of foreplay to reach orgasm with a partner.”

Communication is Key

Communication is KeyBoth partners need to get comfortable talking about not just desires, but what you specifically need to get off. This is especially true for women.

“Communication is a key component as well,” states Yelverton. “Women seemingly know how to get there, we just don’t know how to communicate that to our partner or feel comfortable bringing it up. Because female desire begins in the brain, previous hurts, shame, stigmas, and feelings can affect arousal. I find many women hold grudges from the past and this affects the ability to be aroused by their partner.”

Men, Get to Know Your Partner’s Clitoris

“The pleasure gap is almost always caused by a man’s illiteracy of his partner’s body, especially the clitoris,” says Pleines. “Stop with all the rubbing that gets you both nowhere and causes frustration. Figure out what your partner wants and the key is to ask—Where does it feel best? Slower? Faster? With tongue?”

Pay attention to the responses you get and follow accordingly. Do more of what works and stop doing what she doesn’t like.

Use More Sex Toys

Use More Sex ToysIt’s not just us that says it. The experts agree too.

“Sex toys are awesome!” enthuses Yelverton. “They are an accessory to improve pleasure and to close the orgasm gap. The average woman requires 22 minutes of foreplay to achieve optimal lubrication and arousal. It takes the average man two minutes. Sex toys help to close that gap. They can also take the pressure off a man to perform and can continue pleasure after one partner has climaxed and the other has not.”

On sexy toys, Pleines reminds us all to communicate first. “Talk about it and come up with a plan on how to enjoy sex toys during sex together.”

Stop Faking Orgasms

“Women need to stop faking orgasms,” states Yelverton. “I believe faking it fosters poor behavior. Which isn’t fair to ourselves or our partners. They think they are getting you there with what they are doing. In reality, they’re not and you miss out on that experience and connection with your partner. “

Normalize Sex and Pleasure

Normalize Sex and PleasureWe can only do so much as individual partners. Ultimately, society and culture around us need to change, too.

“Sex and pleasure must be normalized,” says Yelverton. “Pleasure is a birthright and should not be taboo. Social media needs to stop censoring the female body and sex. The stigma of female pleasure needs to be eradicated. Photoshopping women into unattainable beauty standards in media creates shame and self-loathing. More research needs to be done on the female body and pleasure, so that correct viable information is available.”

Yelverton continues. “Conflicting views on sex, body confidence, cultural taboos, and lack of communication of needs all are detrimental to women, and the ability to orgasm. As women, we worry that we aren’t pretty enough, that our thighs are too big (or our tummy), that we are taking too long. In fact, one-third of women feel guilty for not getting there faster. Focusing on our bodies, instead of the pleasure, distracts from the magic of the experience.”


The orgasm gap is very real, but it’s not an inevitability. Men, slow down and pay attention to your partner’s pleasure. Women, don’t feel bad or guilty for what you need to get off. Ultimately, sex is about pleasure and connection, and it’s what we should want for ourselves and each other.

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