BDSM is supposed to be fun. Sure, it can be a lifestyle that you live with a partner. Or, if that’s too much, it can be the kind of sex you have with someone you like or love. But no matter what, it’s supposed to be something you enjoy.
Getting tied up, spanking your partner, trying new things, and expressing a part of your sexuality can also be strange and stressful. The myths out there about what BDSM is “supposed” to be only add to people’s frustration and worry over whether they’re doing this kink thing “right.”
Here are six myths that can get in the way of enjoying your BDSM and kink experience and make you wonder if you’re doing something wrong.
Leather and Latex Required
If all you know about BDSM is from porn or NSFW images and GIFs online, you might think kinksters run around in leather and latex all the time. While some people enjoy black leather or shiny latex, it’s not a requirement. Being a responsible kinkster who enjoys BDSM is about consent, safety, and communication. Wear what you’re comfortable in or what turns you on. There are no uniform requirements – unless you’re into that kind of thing.
Must Love Pain
Because a lot of kinky play focuses on pain – spanking, flogging, caning, or just rough sex – you might think everyone who’s into BDSM loves pain. Pain has a place in kink, specifically under sadism and masochism, but only if you enjoy it. There are plenty of other things you can try like rope bondage, sensation play, or a dominant/submissive power exchange. You’re still kinky even if you never add pain to your play.
The Sex Issue
Two pervasive but opposite myths persist in BDSM. Either everyone has sex or no one does, depending on what you’ve heard. In reality, both are wrong. Sex and BDSM can mix, especially if you get off on your kinky fun. On the other hand, there are plenty of kinky people who come together for a BDSM scene – flogging, wax play, medical play, bondage – who never have sex with each other. Whether you have sex with your partner(s) or not is up to the two (or more) of you.
Male Dominant/Female Sub
Tell a female dominant (sometimes called a domme) that only the guys can be dominant, and they’d laugh in your face before threatening to consensually beat some sense into you. Just because a heteronormative dynamic is what you see in porn doesn’t mean it’s the only way. In reality, the dominant/submissive dynamic can be between any gender identity, any sexual identity, any race, any religion, any type of person at all. Men and those who identify as men can be dominant, submissive, switch, or none of the above, as can women and those who identify as women.
Go Big or Go Home
You might think that because you only enjoy a light spanking or because you hate pain that you’re not as kinky as you could or “should” be. The myth is that unless you’re playing at the extreme end of the kinky spectrum, you’re not a “real” kinkster. Like everything, BDSM is on a spectrum from a little to a lot. Maybe the pink handcuffs and feather tickler are your idea of kink. That’s just as valid as the person who wears a leather hood, bound with rope, and being beaten with a cane or flogger.
The Right or True Way to Kink
Spend any time online, and eventually you come across someone who wants to tell you the “true” or “right” way to be into kink. You may hear about strict protocols or a certain type of person. Ignore it. These are myths that can be harmful when you’re trying to figure out who you are as a kinkster. There’s a saying in BDSM: Your kink isn’t my kink, but your kink is okay. All that matters is that what you’re doing is consented to by your partner . You don’t have to get kinky like someone else does in order for it to be real.
Conclusion
Plenty of people worrying they aren’t doing BDSM the right way. Most of those concerns come from the pervasive myths out there about what you should or shouldn’t do when you get kinky. Ultimately, BDSM is about consent, communication, and safety. If you’ve got those three things, the rest will figure itself out.
Don’t worry about how other people experience BDSM and figure out what works best for you instead. Remember, the whole point of BDSM and kink is to have fun and enjoy yourself. If you’re not having fun, it might be time to try something else.
Want to bust some BDSM myths, too? Share this infographic with your kink-curious friends!
